I wrote this in a moment of weakness this week. And I’m sharing it because I think that it’s important. Because I truly believe that the only person standing in the way of my success and happiness is myself. And I haven’t quite worked out why yet, but I’m getting there.
Self-sabotage, I guess is what they call it. Why do I seemingly set myself up for failure in a situation, then go into it totally in denial before feeling completely deflated when it all goes wrong?
Why do I, more than anything, want to be successful in what I do but spend hours in front of the TV or Youtube when I have work to do? Am I escaping the reality? And why would I always want to escape reality? What’s so bad about my reality? Nothing to be honest. I have a great life.
Am I not cut out for this? Am I not supposed to live this self-employed, super girlboss life? Why is this not working for me? Why do I self-sabotage? Am I afraid of what will happen if I do well? What happens if I put everything I have into my work and I get everything I ever wanted back out of it? Then what? What’s at the end of that road? I don’t know.
In the meantime, I sit and I daydream and I act like a boss but I’m just not doing enough. There are a lot of hours in my day where I’m procrastinating. I’m annoyed at myself that I’ve got a few days behind with my blog. I’m annoyed at myself that there isn’t as much money in my bank account as I’d like. I’m annoyed at myself that I have to keep up appearances sometimes. Fake it til you make it, they say. But that’s a very tiring job. Thinking about being successful and even getting half way to it is tiring. Should I be doing this? Or should I be making life easier for myself? What exactly am I doing?
I believe that I can succeed. At the moment, I’m not sure that I will. It’s a mental game. It isn’t about intelligence or ability. It’s more about excuses and time management.
Actually, no. I am more and I can do more. And I will. Just watch me.