I started blogging because I wanted to write. Because whenever I wrote an essay at school or university, I was accused of having too much voice. Too much voice? WHAT? Isn’t that a great thing? As soon as I started my blog, friends who read it would tell me that they could imagine my voice speaking to them as they read my words. That’s amazing to me. I wasn’t even trying! I love writing, but I always feel like I’m writing for a purpose. Like I have to write, because I should blog three times a week or my business blog needs a post or my clients need content, like, yesterday. It’s a job. It’s a chore. That’s not why I started writing. I started writing because I love it.
I started journalling last August when I read The Miracle Morning and decided that was the key to moving past my periods of overwhelm. As in, focusing on my wellbeing was the answer. So I woke up every morning, I drank lemon water, I meditated with the Headspace app, I did yoga, I journaled, I read. Every morning for about 30 days. And then I felt better and in control. And so I stopped. I went away. I started getting straight to emails when I woke up. I started a Youtube channel, so I would spend hours a day watching other people’s videos, analysing how they edited, what music they used etc. I stopped reading. I stopped meditating. I carried on paying for the app – obviously. And Feb hit and I did it again. I had a mini-panic that things weren’t happening for me. I was overwhelmed with work and chores. But I knew it was because I wasn’t reaching my full potential. I knew I was at 50% effort. It’s hard to be in charge of your whole entire life, to have no schedule whatsoever, to have no-one to answer to. But it’s also the life that I chose and I choose to embrace that.
I stopped journaling, writing my thoughts down, because it felt like a waste of time. Like I should be spending my time on a blog post or something I would gain value from. I didn’t even realise that I was gaining value from it. It was emptying my thoughts, it was a great therapy. On Monday, I picked up my pen. Not to write a to do list or a shopping list or a content calendar draft. I wrote for me. And I loved it. On Wednesday I read it back through and I loved reading it back. On Thursday, I decided to share it with you. Because I started my blog to share my writing. I wrote because I wanted to write. Now, don’t get me wrong – this isn’t a new content series – a hack to getting more content out there. I just wanted my personal blog to be just that again – personal. So this post is not about food, fitness or travel. It doesn’t fit into a category. It’s about me. I haven’t thought about SEO. I haven’t thought about imagery (although I know I need to add something before I publish.) I’m not thinking about key words. Or what you all want to read. Or what topic is trending. I’m writing because I want to write. Because that’s what blogging used to be about. So here it is. The journal post is below – exactly as I wrote it, just typed up. I hope you enjoy it. I hope I feel obliged to type up more in future. Or to just spill my thoughts into my keyboard and share it with you. But in the meantime, I’m just happy that I wrote it.
New page for a new year?
I allowed life to get in the way of my morning routine + I suddenly realised that enough was enough. I’m not at the point of breaking like I was last August but I still have the same worries:
– mental health/wellbeing
I’m 5 weeks into a 12 week challenge. I promised myself to get focused. For the most part I have been. I’m totally in need of sticking to this for my own self-esteem.
Trying again w/ affirmations + meditation. Promising myself I’m going to do more yoga with no pressure this time.
I came to the realisation that all of the pressure on me is in fact put on me by me. I don’t have demanding clients. Rob doesn’t demand that I contribute more. In fact, last night he told me that he knows that I struggle because I am in Guernsey –> it’s a harder hustle here. I kind of forgot about that + was totally blaming myself – as usual.
Today I woke up at 6. I got up at about half past. I’m not perfect today but I am here. And that makes me happy + once again proud. Because I’m taking that me-time, which I love.
Going to invite my mum over this week. If she comes, I realise that I have hours every morning to still do this + work before she will even get up + we go out. I can eat well outside of the house. I can get cardio in by taking her on cliff walks. It is all possible.
My weight today was 185.4 – that’s 10lbs less (poss more) than when I last started writing in this diary. It’s progress but I know that I can definitely do more. My mantra for this week is to stop thinking + start doing. I so often think about the fact that I am losing weight or running a business or doing my morning routine or yoga or eating healthily that I don’t notice that I’m not really doing it. BUT I’m thinking about it so much that I think I am. How can something take up that much headspace be something I’m failing at?
I didn’t want to write “fail” there but it is how I was feeling so I wrote it. I’m not failing, but I’m also not focusing + it’s time to refocus that attention on thinking towards doing instead.